The BFF Predicament
By: Mehnaz Farooque
Only a few lucky ones end up in life with the best mates, the ones who you share your soul with, who you can count on in your worst times. They are called the friends. Friends are the species that belong to your clan. They are “your” people that make the happy times way happier and the sad times way lighter. A lot has already been written about friends and friendships and the stories and tales about the journeys of best friends. So I wouldn’t go to those details. I want to rather reflect on a different façade of friendship. It is the part that some of us come across. It is about the times you want to run away from your best friend. Yes, run away. We live in a world where we knowingly or unknowingly compare the degree of success, fortune and happiness with someone else. And that someone else, in most of the times, is a close friend. A friend that cleared the entrance exam, but not you; a friend that got a higher grade, but not you; a friend that may have found a happy ending, but not you. And I guess it’s a phase that many of us face at some point, but never want to express. This may be because somewhere we are guilty to feel like the way for our very best friend, or maybe we are involuntarily trapped in a conundrum of self-satisfaction and comparisons with our friends.
Like the dialogue from "3 idiots" says, “That day we learned, when your friend flunks, you feel bad, when he tops, you feel worse.” Truth indeed! No matter how much we love our BFF, but the times when we see how amazing their life is, compared to our own sick ones, we all feel the same. We develop a tendency to grow apart from them and then shelve ourselves in a box of insecurities. But how can we feel this way about our best friend?
I wouldn't call it a jealousy or some hidden hatred. It cannot be. But it could be that somewhere we are unhappy with ourselves so much that all we can see is the greener side of life of our best friend. Sad but true, we live in a prejudiced world and we all have our little share of judgment on other’s lives. We can never liberate ourselves from comparing ourselves with others, at least until we are social. And to feel that way about our BFF is frustrating but normal. Yes, like I said, we get trapped in a conundrum of self-satisfaction and comparisons.
My notion comes from my own personal experience too. I was not comfortable with the success and happiness of my best friend. Yes, she got a better job, a better livelihood. But did that make me love her less? No.
Well, I do hesitate to see her updates on social media. May be still struggling somewhere, but I have realized that my life isn't about the things that my friends have achieved and which I couldn't. It cannot be. My life is about the choices and the outcomes that have happened to me.
One of my best friends got a job which we both were competing for, during our campus interviews. And that changed many things. The day we walked out of that college, I turned different towards her. I started avoiding her texts, hiding away not to learn about her new life, and what not. Once we were like those inseparable sisters; and suddenly, I was running away. We had a saying together on almost everything; and suddenly I stopped being a part of her life. Once we made a pact to share all our worries as well as smiles. And now I unexpectedly fear what great news she’s going to give about her life. And let me tell you, that is the saddest and worst of all the feelings. But can time change everything? How could I go away from the memories of the times we'd spent together or the journey that both of us have been on? But I did. I took up a hell lot of measures just to not cross her path. But then, there’s the healer called Time.
Life not just takes you to the best of the days that you can have, but it also rides you along the places you don’t want to go. Looking from outside, any one would say that it is jealousy that's taking away the friendship. But how does it feel when your smaller happy moments look way too smaller in front of someone else’s ideal life? And if that someone else is none other than your buddy who you have shared your dreams with?
But is that it? Can a few moments of my failure and her way to success kill a friendship. NO!
You will realize that this may take time; some long time perhaps. But eventually, you will know that once you are getting hold of your own life, no matter how insignificant you are on the success radar, when you know you are happy with your life, you can be happy again for your BFF too. This sounds selfish and materialistic, but this is a truth. You can really be happy, the “genuinely happy”, only when you are at peace with yourself inside.
Three years ever since, I have seen my other friends getting jobs in bigger companies, having better livelihoods. I have seen my best friend switching jobs in order to get a higher pay. I have seen them achieve so much more than me. I have seen how at a mere age of 26, they have been able to build pillars in their lives while I am still struggling to find my share of bricks. It does make me wonder where I went wrong or what I missed in order reach where they are today. But mostly, I have learned that in order to be able to carve your life, one has to be oblivious to the world statistics. I know that the comparative degree is a part of human nature, but we have to overcome the fears of not achieving the goals set by others. Only then we would be clearer on our own goals and ambitions. And that holds the key to your own happiness.
Today, when I see myself now, I won't say my life is on track, but it is now moving, still with no destination though. It took me three years to understand my inner selfish soul and my inner calm self. I know now I am pure human (winks). And for my BFF, I was, am and will always be proud. No gray shades of my heart can take that away. And yes, I still sometimes skip a beat when she sends images of the beautiful places she visits, the work she does and the life she has, but then I manage to say, “Hey I am so happy for you, xoxo”.
And that happiness isn't corrupted with the self-judgments. That happiness is the pure one. When now I am so much busy to find ways to my own dreams, I no longer find time to lament on the success stories of my counterparts because frankly, I know I am not looking for that. My best friend is busy setting higher goals for her and I am here setting mine. I may not end up living in an apartment as big as hers or drive a car as expensive as hers. But I will have my fair share of all those. And I know I will be happy.
And with this feeling of triumph over my predicaments with my best friend, I carry a bunch of dreams clouding above, every day as I wake up and walk to my office with aspirations of a better life, a better job and a better salary. But now, with a hopeful smile and a liberal heart. I can surely say that I am happily in peace with my struggles and the achievements of my BFF. And that, I am not veiling myself from my BFF anymore!!
Only a few lucky ones end up in life with the best mates, the ones who you share your soul with, who you can count on in your worst times. They are called the friends. Friends are the species that belong to your clan. They are “your” people that make the happy times way happier and the sad times way lighter. A lot has already been written about friends and friendships and the stories and tales about the journeys of best friends. So I wouldn’t go to those details. I want to rather reflect on a different façade of friendship. It is the part that some of us come across. It is about the times you want to run away from your best friend. Yes, run away. We live in a world where we knowingly or unknowingly compare the degree of success, fortune and happiness with someone else. And that someone else, in most of the times, is a close friend. A friend that cleared the entrance exam, but not you; a friend that got a higher grade, but not you; a friend that may have found a happy ending, but not you. And I guess it’s a phase that many of us face at some point, but never want to express. This may be because somewhere we are guilty to feel like the way for our very best friend, or maybe we are involuntarily trapped in a conundrum of self-satisfaction and comparisons with our friends.
Like the dialogue from "3 idiots" says, “That day we learned, when your friend flunks, you feel bad, when he tops, you feel worse.” Truth indeed! No matter how much we love our BFF, but the times when we see how amazing their life is, compared to our own sick ones, we all feel the same. We develop a tendency to grow apart from them and then shelve ourselves in a box of insecurities. But how can we feel this way about our best friend?
I wouldn't call it a jealousy or some hidden hatred. It cannot be. But it could be that somewhere we are unhappy with ourselves so much that all we can see is the greener side of life of our best friend. Sad but true, we live in a prejudiced world and we all have our little share of judgment on other’s lives. We can never liberate ourselves from comparing ourselves with others, at least until we are social. And to feel that way about our BFF is frustrating but normal. Yes, like I said, we get trapped in a conundrum of self-satisfaction and comparisons.
My notion comes from my own personal experience too. I was not comfortable with the success and happiness of my best friend. Yes, she got a better job, a better livelihood. But did that make me love her less? No.
Well, I do hesitate to see her updates on social media. May be still struggling somewhere, but I have realized that my life isn't about the things that my friends have achieved and which I couldn't. It cannot be. My life is about the choices and the outcomes that have happened to me.
One of my best friends got a job which we both were competing for, during our campus interviews. And that changed many things. The day we walked out of that college, I turned different towards her. I started avoiding her texts, hiding away not to learn about her new life, and what not. Once we were like those inseparable sisters; and suddenly, I was running away. We had a saying together on almost everything; and suddenly I stopped being a part of her life. Once we made a pact to share all our worries as well as smiles. And now I unexpectedly fear what great news she’s going to give about her life. And let me tell you, that is the saddest and worst of all the feelings. But can time change everything? How could I go away from the memories of the times we'd spent together or the journey that both of us have been on? But I did. I took up a hell lot of measures just to not cross her path. But then, there’s the healer called Time.
Life not just takes you to the best of the days that you can have, but it also rides you along the places you don’t want to go. Looking from outside, any one would say that it is jealousy that's taking away the friendship. But how does it feel when your smaller happy moments look way too smaller in front of someone else’s ideal life? And if that someone else is none other than your buddy who you have shared your dreams with?
But is that it? Can a few moments of my failure and her way to success kill a friendship. NO!
You will realize that this may take time; some long time perhaps. But eventually, you will know that once you are getting hold of your own life, no matter how insignificant you are on the success radar, when you know you are happy with your life, you can be happy again for your BFF too. This sounds selfish and materialistic, but this is a truth. You can really be happy, the “genuinely happy”, only when you are at peace with yourself inside.
Three years ever since, I have seen my other friends getting jobs in bigger companies, having better livelihoods. I have seen my best friend switching jobs in order to get a higher pay. I have seen them achieve so much more than me. I have seen how at a mere age of 26, they have been able to build pillars in their lives while I am still struggling to find my share of bricks. It does make me wonder where I went wrong or what I missed in order reach where they are today. But mostly, I have learned that in order to be able to carve your life, one has to be oblivious to the world statistics. I know that the comparative degree is a part of human nature, but we have to overcome the fears of not achieving the goals set by others. Only then we would be clearer on our own goals and ambitions. And that holds the key to your own happiness.
Today, when I see myself now, I won't say my life is on track, but it is now moving, still with no destination though. It took me three years to understand my inner selfish soul and my inner calm self. I know now I am pure human (winks). And for my BFF, I was, am and will always be proud. No gray shades of my heart can take that away. And yes, I still sometimes skip a beat when she sends images of the beautiful places she visits, the work she does and the life she has, but then I manage to say, “Hey I am so happy for you, xoxo”.
And that happiness isn't corrupted with the self-judgments. That happiness is the pure one. When now I am so much busy to find ways to my own dreams, I no longer find time to lament on the success stories of my counterparts because frankly, I know I am not looking for that. My best friend is busy setting higher goals for her and I am here setting mine. I may not end up living in an apartment as big as hers or drive a car as expensive as hers. But I will have my fair share of all those. And I know I will be happy.
And with this feeling of triumph over my predicaments with my best friend, I carry a bunch of dreams clouding above, every day as I wake up and walk to my office with aspirations of a better life, a better job and a better salary. But now, with a hopeful smile and a liberal heart. I can surely say that I am happily in peace with my struggles and the achievements of my BFF. And that, I am not veiling myself from my BFF anymore!!
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